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Stupid Suggestions I’ve Had from Trolls and People Who Want to Pontificate Without Listening

May 1, 2020

1. Take a job for which you haven’t been allowed to interview. I refuse to accept that you have been applying for administrative support jobs no matter how much evidence you provide to the contrary because it helps me feel better about myself and the U.S. economy.

2. Blow money you have no way to replenish now on housing so that you become homeless again when you’re older. I think if you just had housing you’d have an easier time getting a job, even though it didn’t help you get a job when you were in housing court.

3. Get a second bachelor’s degree in something you struggled to pass and didn’t the first time. The $70,000+ you have in student loan debt is nothing because you’re a rich white guy whose parents paid for his education.

4. Take work that a multitude of doctors have said you shouldn’t be doing. It doesn’t matter if you end up in the emergency room or the morgue early on because you can move up eventually.

5. Take classes in stuff that you already know how to do and on which you have scored 90% and above on tests because it will look good on your resume.

6. You can’t volunteer for too many non-profit organizations. There is no such thing as being stretched thin.

7. Do illegal things that you’d never be comfortable doing, such as being a prostitute or a hitman.

8. Move somewhere you’ve never been with a low cost of living and job growth mainly in jobs you can’t do, and do lot of networking even though you’re introverted and find that very difficult.

9. The blog you’ve had for eight years is the cause of the problems you’ve had for twenty.

10. Literary agents and theatrical and film producers have superhuman powers. They can tell from a one-page standard query letter whether the 120+ page script you’ve written but have not even sent yet is any good. Write a better script, and they will know and ask to see it.

11. If employers are consistently not responding to your job applications, that is proof that you are mentally ill, not that the job market is oversaturated. Unemployment is extremely low, even though in the U.S., corporate interests insist on a different formula than the rest of the world to make numbers look low. It doesn’t matter if nothing in your resumes or cover letters is indicative of mental illness. Hiring managers have superhuman powers, and they know.

12. Join the military even though everyone knows that flat feet and herniated discs are each enough to keep you out of the U.S. military, and you have both, and over 40,000 veterans, all of whom presumably have job skills, are currently homeless every night.

13. Kill yourself.

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2 Comments
  1. The people who tell me I should have gone into the skilled trades, which nobody who was in the gifted and talented program and injured himself in industrial arts classes he disliked and did poorly in would do, would be stunned by how full of people with skilled trades backgrounds live in the shelter system. My roommate at NAICA Bronx Park Avenue who had WBAI on all the time was a machinist. He was over 50 years old, and they were sending him to job fairs, which I learned the hard way are basically for sales jobs. I went to one that was supposed to be a media job fair, and it was all sales for media companies, plus representatives for NYPD, FDNY, and the military are consistently there.

  2. I actually had someone tell me to spend $10,000 on a bachelor’s degree in communication because it’s easy to get a job with it. Twenty and one half years after earning one, I found her statement laughable.

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